wow...its been a while.

Man it has seriously been a long time since I've even been on here. Soooo much has happened. God has moved and spoke in so many ways. Its funny how that happens when you finally decide to be obedient. 

One thing that I have ALWAYS struggled with is my sexuality. NO I don't mean as in I question it or anything. But that I've tended to use it as a weapon if thats the right way to describe it. I always thought that was all I had to offer. Now don't get me wrong, I've never believed in casual sex, so it's not like I was easy or anything. 

But I saw the attention I could get by using my attributes and showing a little of what God gave me, and to be honest, it was addictive. I started to become addicted to the attention. And little by little I started seeing myself as just a piece of meat. So I tended to talk very inappropriately. Or act suggestively towards guys that I was interested in, because I thought that was the only way to attract their attention.

God has been working on me and showing me that there is SO much more to me than my body. And more to me than dirty talk. I recently found myself in a situation where the relationship started out great. And we kept our conversations pure and of Godly things. Then slowly but surely they turned to conversations of the flesh. After talking to a dear friend of mine and a revelation from a bible study I'm taking part in, I decided to take a break from the relationship for a while so we could get back on track. As soon as I did, God started working in me and on me. I started hearing from Him. 

I still struggle with certain people about my sexuality. And feeling the only way I could even stand a chance with them is to resort back to my insecurities and flashin a little of what God gave me...or talking inappropriately to them. 

But I know that I've come a long way from where I used to be. I still have a long way to go, but I know that God has a major plan for me and that one day my struggles and testimony will be a blessing for some young girl who struggles with her identity.

The Verge interview

So R2 is starting a new sermon series this coming weekend called "The Verge." And it's talking about how in life  you sometimes feel you're right on the verge of something great or something life changing but you just can't get past that invisble line you've drawn. But when you allow God to erase that line and help you, you're no longer on the verge. 

As part of the creative element we decided to do video interviews of some people in our church who have been at the verge and find out what God did in their life to help them. The creative director wants to interview me. 

I've been struggling with what I could talk about. So I decided to talk about how I came to know Jesus as my saviour. I've not shared the entire story with a lot of people cause it was a dark point in my life.

In 1999, I went through a really rough time. I can't remember a lot of it. NO it wasnt drugs or anything like that. Just a lot of emotional stuff. Bailey was only 3 years old at that point. I felt like a total failure at everything. I didn't feel I was a good mother, daughter, sister, friend or anything. I just simply felt I wasn't good at anything.

I was working in a Customer Service call center at the time. I remember going into work one morning, signing in to the system and taking one call. Then I logged out and went to the bathroom with dry heaves. I couldn't stop crying. I called one of my friends and asked if I could come over and talk. She said yeah. I left work and drove to her house. All the way there, I kept praying that a truck would hit me or a car would run me off the road. That way it wouldn't be suicide, but I wouldn't have to continue living anymore. I just simply didn't want to live.

I got to her house...and she didnt even answer the door. I stood there for 30 minutes ringing her door. And of course all these thoughts started just driving into my head. That no one loved me. Here I am on the verge of suicide and even one of my best friends didn't care enough to answer the door. I went up the street to the gas station and used the pay phone. (this is before everyone had a cell)

She answered her phone and apologized. She had fell back asleep. Of course the thoughts started attacking again. 

I continued for the next 3 days to head off to work so everything seemed normal to my family. But I'd end up at a friends house crying in their bed. Suicide was heavily on my mind the whole time.

On the 4th day, I came home as if nothing was going on. Checked my email. And in my email was a story that would change my life forever. It was a story written by Joshua Harris called "The Room." (here's the link http://64.13.216.130/the_roomtext.php) The email had been sent by Bailey's godmother who lived just up the street from us. So I called her and asked if I could go with her to church that weekend. That Sunday I honestly gave my life to Christ. I say honestly because I had got "saved" many times as a teenager when the emotions were running mad. But this time, I let Him into my heart and my life. 

I'm amazed...

Ok so last time I talked about the whole online dating stuff right? And I mentioned the hot guy I met last week. We've been talking pretty much everyday since. 

We're both struggling with certain things in our life. Mainly being more focused on God's word. He had mentioned a few days ago about us watching a podcast of a message and then discussing it to see how and what it meant to us. So I sort of took that an went with it. But I suggested that we start reading the bible together. 

Now sometimes we make commitments like that and never follow through on it. But tonight something totally wicked awesome (yes I said wicked awesome..lol) happened. We did it! We read the entire 3rd chapter of Matthew together over the phone. We discussed different translations of it. We broke it down. 

I can't even descrive what I'm feeling now. But I can tell you this, I can't get this grin (or glow as some say) off my face. 

Even after all I've seen and experienced, I'm still blown away with the fact that God loves me enough to set up for Justin and I to meet. That He would take time to work through a online dating service so that I could meet one of the greatest guys I've ever met in a looooooooong time. 

We're not perfect. We struggle with thoughts...a lot. But we try to work together to "filter" those thoughts. And we understand that its a good thing that we live soooo far apart right now. Because it allows us to grow together in our relationship with Christ. And gives us time to REALLY know each other without having to worry about the whole physical aspect yet. 

I'm super excited about what God has planned right now and on down the road. Whether it turns out to be more or we just stay good friends, I'm just going to take everyday and every conversation and enjoy just one of many blessings from God.

God bless.

Online dating services...

Ok I'm 33, soon to be 34, and still single. And I have to admit at times it can totally suck. Others not so much. But I know that I'm still single for a reason.  

As I said in my last blog, Bailey and I were baptized for the first time ever in April. I've come to realize that I'm nowhere near wife material right now. There's so much the Lord has shown me I need to work on first. I need to be married to the Lord right now. I need to focus on His word and His promises. 

I've recently signed back up for a dating service. Funny I know considering what I just typed above. But as always I believe everything is for a reason. On this particular site you're able to see who has checked out your profile. And this really hot guy checked me out. So I read his profile to see what was up with him. I was super impressed. Its very rare you find a guy on one of these things that speaks of their relationship with Christ. So I emailed him to tell him I was impressed. Of course he has to live in Texas...lol.

Just chattin with him online has sort of re-ignited my desire for the Lord. And given me hope that there are some men out there that thirst for the word of God. I'm glad I went back online. I've made what looks to be an awesome new friend in Texas. I'm looking forward to being able to talk to him about what God's doing in our lives.

Thank you God for new friends.

Til next time...be blessed.

Its been a while...

Man...I've been away from this for a long time now. I mean even Kelleys bloggin now. I got get back with it.

Ok so lets see..whats been goin on since my last blog. Oh man where do I begin...

So I'll go in order of importance I guess.

Bailey and I were baptized for the first time. My entire family came to church to support us. If only they would have opened their hearts to the message as well. 

We started our student ministry, RelevAte, in an awesome building designed by Michelle. And carpenter work done by the totally great Nick and Brad. They busted their tails working on the stage, walls, bar (yes a drink bar, but only soft drinks silly) and all the other stuff that I have no clue about.

Renaissance Road got our first permanent building. We took over the student building and acquired 2 more spaces for the childrens ministry. We'll have our first service there July 5th. God is and has been faithful to Renaissance Road. 

I was accepted to the Art Institute Online classes. This is the college I've always wanted to go to but since I was a young mother I was unable to go off to school. But I'd take Bailey anyday. 

My baby girl turned 13. OMG I have a teenager now. But man am I blessed. Even though I am her mom and may be a little biased...I have to say that she is one of the best kids I have ever had the pleasure of being around. Well mannered. Well behaved. Smart. Funny. Beautiful.  And more important loves Jesus. 

I found an old flame on Facebook after 12 years. We've started talking again..but just as friends. For now. I can't say what the Lord has in store there, but just taking it one day at a time.

These are just some of the big things that have happened since March. I'm sure there have been many more. But don't want to bore you to pieces right now. 

Til next time...be blessed.

Psychos....

Maybe I'm a little weird but I seriously don't get girls. I mean if someone doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me....I'm sure as heck not going to abuse, stalk, cuss, cut and trap them. I can't even begin to understand why girls are like that. I mean do they really think that its going to make the other person love them. Or suddenly say "Oh wow, she's stalking me, she's cut my face up, she's posted crazy stuff on my myspace page......but you know all thats done has made me realize how much I love her." NOT!!!

Am I the weird one? Am I the odd girl?

Girls...there are some crazy ones out there.

Life with no internet....

Seriously, it was not fun. Was without internet for almost TWO whole days. It sounds like a short time...but in tech years it was like 2 months...it was horrible. Poor Bailey was lost without it. And me without my twitter... I may never truly recover from the pain and withdrawls I suffered. 

Ok not really. But it made me realize just how lost we would be without our technology. It'd suck.

Devotional...

This morning in our R2 pre-service devotional Pastor Nick told a story about a young man who's brother had given him a brand new car for Christmas. As he was walking back to his parked car, a young boy approached him. He asked if that was his car. And the guy told him how his brother had given it to him as a gift. The young boy started to reply.."I wish I could..." The young man was sure that he was going to say "I wish I could have a brother like that." But what the young boy replied instead shocked the man. The boy continued to say "I wish I could be a brother like that." 

So many times we focus on our own problems...we don't realize that we should be more focused on others who have more need than we do. We forget that it is better to give than receive. And that even the smallest amount of giving is better than not giving at all. 

I was totally convicted by that this morning. Having lost my job and totally struggling to figure out my next step...I've been totally wrapped up in self-pity. When I think about it..I mean really sit down and think about it. I'm so blessed. I have a  family that may not always encourage me or understand me, they are there for me. I have a house to live in. Food to eat. And an awesome church family that surrounds me with constant prayer and love.

Lord, forgive me for my "me" mentality. Humble me Father. Help me to focus on others instead of myself. Thank you Father. Amen.

Beth Moore @ Kelley's

Well ok not literally. But R2 does have small group meetings that we do all over the triad area. And I chose to do the Beth Moore one at Kelley's house. (For those of you who do not know Kelley..she rocks. She is my pastors wife) 

Remember the commercial for Calgon..where the lady is like "Calgon take me away..."? Well thats sort of how I feel about going to Kelley's. It's my comfort place. My home away from home. I absolutley love that woman (and her family). 

My family isn't saved so its hard to talk about spiritual matters with them. So when I go to Kelley's I get to talk about anything and everything. 

I love it. And today is that day. Calgon take me away!!!!!

Word of mouth....

On the way to pick up my 2 year old niece yesterday, we stopped at BBQ Joe's in High Point. Our server was this adorable senior at Trinity High School.  She had an awesome personality to go with the looks. I started talking to her about general things. School, boys and eventually go on the topic of church. Ok well technically, I was talking to her about a particular guy at church...but thats not the point. (lol) I then gave her one of our biz cards and told her to check out our website. And told her that said guys pic was on there as well. She said she would definitely go check out the website. And then said that she'd see me at church this weekend. 

We talked about her current church, that it was her Grandmothers church. And it was old. Imagine that. I went into a little more about R2 and I showed my excitement. And my passion for the church. 

Of course, whether or not she comes, I did my part. I opened my mouth and invited her. Thats what its all about. Stepping out of your comfort zone and inviting people to church. 

A friend of mine recently started back to church. I told her I'd always be here if she needed to talk. She said " Isn't it sad how we talk about so many things so easily with friends, but talking about Christ is so difficult? " 

It is sad. We are a generation who can openly discuss graphic details of our sex life. Details of every little thing that people really DO NOT need to hear. But the biggest "detail" they need to hear about, we're scared to talk about. WHY...because it makes them uncomfortable??? Good, they need to be uncomfortable. I mean if they aren't saved and don't know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour....do you really think they're going to be comfortable in the pits of hell????

Step out on faith..the results can be life changing. LITERALLY!!!

Band competition...

Sooooo...went with my daughter's school band this morning for their band competition. Yeah..I'm thinking about changing my God passion from youth to senior citizens....they won't be near as loud. HAHAHA!!! But seriously, my passion has been and always will be the youth of our church. Because not only are they the future....they are the present. We need to invest in them as much as possible...cuz in the words of Whitney Houston..."I believe the children are our future" Wow..Jason maybe I really am the 80's chic you accuse me of being...lol. 

Anyway, I've always had this desire to minister to teenagers. Escpecially teenage girls. Having not grown up in a Christian home, I didn't understand my worth til later in life. Nor did I realize where my worth lies. My worth is not in this world. Or in the eyes of a man. My worth is found only in Jesus Christ. And I long to help young girls realize that as soon as possible. So they don't get trapped into thinking that their worth is found in the arms of a man. Or in the eyes of this world. 

Cuz as we all know this world has a very narrow view of a persons worth. We tend to look towards material things to find our value...never realizing those things are just that....things. Things that fade. Things that go away. But your relationship with Jesus...thats an eternal thing. It will never fade or go away. 

WHOA!!! Did I get off track or what. I was talking about my daughters band competition. Which by the way they kicked total tush. There were 3 judges. And they received SUPERIOR from all 3 judges. (thank goodness one of them wasn't Simon) I'm so proud of them. And by the way, I do believe they had the largest band there also. They had to bring out chairs....and almost went off the stage there were so many.

Ok well....I'm off to pick up my niece.

God bless.

Renaissance Road

A good friend of mine from high school sent me an invite via myspace to check out her church. And I've never been the same again. I went to the opening service and really enjoyed it. But due to some personal issues at the time, I didn't go back for a while. Not because I didn't love it, just wasn't ready to accept I needed Jesus in my life again. (cocky I know....but once was blind...) 

So back in October of `o8, I started going again to R2 (short for Renassiance Road). And I've not left since. I love this place. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that I am exactly where God wants me to be. This is my home. They are real people. With real issues. And most importantly a REAL love for Jesus and his people.

I've been to other churches. And played the roles. But I've never been completely sold out to a vision like I have with R2. What's that saying been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. And actually I've bought 3 t-shirts. I've joined every possible team, event, and small group I can. I simply can't get enough of these people...my family. 

It's still growing. And I'm doing my best to help it. I believe in this church. I believe in its passion. I believe in its vision. I believe in the Pastor. I believe in the members. And I believe its going to rock the cities around it. What's more....they believe in me. They believe in you. And more importantly they believe in a sovereign God who loves us.

www.r2live.tv

Giving into peer-pressure...

I can't believe I gave in. The guys have been after me for a while to blog....I was like I don't really have anything to blog about. I guess I'll see if thats true or not soon.

So ideas for blogging topics...obviously #1 would be Jesus. Cause He totally rocks. #2 R2 cause they rock also. #3 creative ideas and elements. #4 would be my spa biz that I'm starting. And then anything else that comes up.

I can't promise mind blowing conversations....well at least not all the time. Occassionally I do have those.

But I can promise this....there's never a dull moment with Jenjo.