One thing that I have ALWAYS struggled with is my sexuality. NO I don't mean as in I question it or anything. But that I've tended to use it as a weapon if thats the right way to describe it. I always thought that was all I had to offer. Now don't get me wrong, I've never believed in casual sex, so it's not like I was easy or anything.
But I saw the attention I could get by using my attributes and showing a little of what God gave me, and to be honest, it was addictive. I started to become addicted to the attention. And little by little I started seeing myself as just a piece of meat. So I tended to talk very inappropriately. Or act suggestively towards guys that I was interested in, because I thought that was the only way to attract their attention.
God has been working on me and showing me that there is SO much more to me than my body. And more to me than dirty talk. I recently found myself in a situation where the relationship started out great. And we kept our conversations pure and of Godly things. Then slowly but surely they turned to conversations of the flesh. After talking to a dear friend of mine and a revelation from a bible study I'm taking part in, I decided to take a break from the relationship for a while so we could get back on track. As soon as I did, God started working in me and on me. I started hearing from Him.
I still struggle with certain people about my sexuality. And feeling the only way I could even stand a chance with them is to resort back to my insecurities and flashin a little of what God gave me...or talking inappropriately to them.
But I know that I've come a long way from where I used to be. I still have a long way to go, but I know that God has a major plan for me and that one day my struggles and testimony will be a blessing for some young girl who struggles with her identity.
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